cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
