i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
