Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
