I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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