my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You're like the curious george of whores
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
