if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
