Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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