I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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