I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
