i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
