saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
