guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
