Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
