I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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