A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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