Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
