And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
