i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
