I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
