Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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