If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
