I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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