Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
