Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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