After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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