I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
