Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
