First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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