Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
