I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
