remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
