Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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