I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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