I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
