I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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