dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
