I want to have your abortion
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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