At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
