Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
