i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
