I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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