Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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