Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
