im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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