It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
