I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
