david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The ass gains better be worth it
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