You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
