Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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