This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My vagina is officially offended.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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