I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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