Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
