I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We have started to decorate penises.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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